Joke Comp!

Every month at the club we have an online joke competition. When we remember – we’ll post the results here! Please remember that these are the thoughts of our members, are probably NSFW and are normally relatively topical so might not all make sense.

We’ve decided to start posting them after requests from our audience…

***STOP PRESS***

Blimey! I knew I’d got a bit distracted of lae but didn’t realise I hadn’t updated this in over a year! Here’s the latest and my apologies!

March 2016

What’s the difference between Boris Johnson & Mother’s Day?

 I don’t know, but what happens when you mix a joke with a rhetorical question?

David Cameron’s mum has a good time on mothers day but has good times on the other (not sure if that counts as slander if so replace with “Yo mamma” as i think was used at PMQ’s) p.s. sorry for that mental imagery

Joke competition. (Best Boris impression). Errrmm. Bendy bus. WHIFF WHAFF!

I think you know lots of mums are very similar to Boris; both Tories and have the same hair. Mother’s Day is however a day and Boris is a person. 

I’m sorry I can’t make the cc this week but happy to have free ticket for April .. Have a good eve 

Although Boris is often associated with the symptoms of a painful contraction he has never been into labour

If I say ‘Happy Boris Johnson’ to my Mum this Sunday it may well confuse her and save me £1.99 on a fucking card.

The male equivalent of Boris Johnson doesn’t confuse half the population of Stevenage once a year.

Nothing – they both want us out of Europe but Mother’s Day only does so it can vacuum France something.  Ah – so actually, that.

Catching my Dad giving my mum the ‘Good News’ on Boris Johnson didn’t lead to me needing therapy for most of my teens. I still cut myself.

Mother’s Day doesn’t have hair made out of shredded wheat.

 

February 2016

What’s the difference between Louis Van Gaal & Valentine’s Day?

I get a blow job every Valentines day, If I think of Louis Van Gaal it lasts till the next Valentines day!! no difference there, just a tip

Van Gaal wants the ball but not the sack!

The Valentine’s Day Massacre was a bloody red slaughtering. Louis Van Gaal has caused Man Utd to become a team who face a bloody red massacre every week

It all starts with the anticipation of his unspoken promises; then ends with you being fucked up the arse!

Bugs Moran’s team only got massacred once on Valentines Day, Louis van Gaal’s team get massacred every time they show up

O U G A L N E D and Y

When Louis van Gaal gets his players’ names mixed up he doesn’t end up divorced.

Blank E-mail (you said at the last show this would have as good a chance as any of winning)

One is just a complete waste of time and effort that no bloke in their right mind believes in. The other is Valentines’ Day.

I didn’t leave my cheating husband-to-be at the alter on Louis Van Gaal. That’ll learn him.

 

January 2015

What’s the difference between Bob Justin Bieber & a snowman?

 if you find a snowman standing in a field, only 10% on people will try and kick it to death

Is it that you can ‘improve’ a snowman with a blowtorch, without using duct tape

I like snowmen

a snowman has snow loads of manners and has more chance of having a date a man that melts

I’d happily spend a day with a snowman, flying around the countryside, going to snowman parties and visiting Father Christmas, but if I spent 5 seconds with Justin Bieber I’d want to stab that jumped up talentless little cunt.

I once saw a snowman built on the side of the motorway; I made sure I drove around it.

One provides short term entertainment for the under twenty fives; the other one is a wanker!

One is an anthropomorphic sculpture shaped from crystalline frozen water, the other is a dickhead

A snowman doesn’ t wiggle when you poke carrots in it

I don’t have a photo of my niece booing a snowman….

Nothing – when you wake up in the morning both of them will have left the bed wet

 

November 2014

What’s the difference between Alvin Stardust & a pumpkin?

Aside from the letters a,l,v,s,t,a,r,d,p and k they are anagrams of each other. Oh i missed a couple of letters…   Bugger…

They both make an excellent mulch for rapid plant growth, but a pumpkin takes longer to decay due to its firmer skin.

The pumpkin doesn’t ‘Pretend’ to have a ‘Jealous Mind’

I didn’t have to swallow the pumpkin’s seeds

The pumpkin made it to Halloween.

My mum and dad didn’t split up over her obsession with a pumpkin. I’ve never been the same fucking coo ca choo cunt.

I wasn’t so distracted by a Pumpkin telling me how to cross the road in the 1970s that I got run over by a milk float

Have funeral, otherwise would love to come!  Cheers Chris

The bin men don’t mind if you put a pumpkin in your brown bin.

I didn’t get arrested last Friday night for fucking an Alvin Stardust in B&M Bargains.

 

September 2014

What’s the difference between Cliff Richard & Scottish Independence?

One’s had a Living Doll, the others been living on the Dole…

Cliff Richard only wants to shrew Young Britons, Scottish Independence wants to shrew the whole of Britain!

Very little if you’re under 18, you’ll get fucked either way and not have a say in it

Hopefully they will both go POOF

Cliff won’t be going broke any time soon

After September 19th Cliff Richard probably won’t die a long and protracted death, whilst the rest of the union looks on, laughing at it slow and uncomfortable demise into deep-fried irn-bru and rabies. (nb Cliff’s death will be quite quick in comparison, as he finally succumbs to his own smugness and ricochets up his own arse hole)

Scotland – the future will be full of strapped jocks, Cliff – his past seems full of jock straps

Not much: both create trouble because of a lack of underwear…

No one knows who’s telling the truth, but 1 thing’s for sure, we not all going on a summer holiday in scotland

Nothing – they both want Gay Gordons.

When we rebuild the wall, Scotland (if it’s that good why the fuck do they keep coming down here?) would make an ideal prison where the likes of Cliff, Rolf, Stuart Hall and Lulu could live side by side with bagpipe screeching, whiskey drinking, caber tossing, skirt wearing (what the fuck’s a sporran?) mars bar frying, haggis eating, “wee this” & “bonnie that” fucking weirdos.

 

July 2014

What’s the difference between Roy Hodgson & Hay Fever?

Nothing – They both bring tears to your eyes!

Both will have you crying into your beer on a summers evening but only one can be solved by tablets. The other is a twat.

Hay fever has never caused me to throw my own faeces at the television set.

I like it when my girlfriend’s hay fever kicks in because when she has it she clenches when she sneezes. I don’t like it when she has Roy Hodgson.

One reduces the population of England to miserable, snivelling, teary-eyed wretches and the other is an allergy to pollen.

Nothing. They’ve both fucking ruined my summer.

The England back four don’t completely ignore hay fever.

I had a cracking one lined up but now, with England out and pollen levels falling, there is breaking news that tonight’s edition of Animal Hospital, where Rolf shows you how to handle a young beaver, has been cancelled.

 

June 2014

What’s the difference between Nigel Farage & The World Cup?

 While he would advocate doing so, the world cup would probably be more helpful in actually smashing a burglar’s skull.

Only one has a pair of balls when it comes to their job

Niger Farage hasn’t been sprayed with champagne and kissed by 11 men in a jacuzzi. As far as we know…

Hi Paul .. sorry I can’t make it this weekend, bad planning! I am in Caister ..I’ll have my free ticket next month 😉 and give you that ride to your flat if u need one!  All the best, Mo.

During this 4 week, myopic, ill informed media cycle of filling 24 hr news with a mindless orgy of hyperbole and counter slander, glorifying people who really, really don’t matter, I’ll be able to stand in the middle of the pub shouting about how fucking useless the left wing is at organizing themselves to defeat a bunch of cunts.

Nigel Farage has yet to be found under a hedge by a dog named Pickles…… time will tell……

I can imagine being in bed with the world cup and a Brazilian, but not in bed with Nigel Farage with a Brazilian.  Excuse me, I think I have to go wash my mouth out, a little bit of sick just came up…

Nothing. England will still loose.

One has the support of a legion of braying morons waving England flags; and the other is an international acting competition for millionaires to see who is the most convincing at pretending they’ve been pushed over.

 

May 2014

 What’s the difference between A-ha and a banana?

 When someone shoved a banana up my arse I shouted “A-ha!” but when someone shoved A-ha up my arse I didn’t shout “Banana!”

I have never felt disgusted choking on a banana.

The spelling but I would like to try a bahana.

A-ha isn’t rich in potassium

I have no idea. But they say that when you stop smoking you get your taste and smell back. After four days of not smoking I smelt and tasted my own fart, now I am back to a full pack a day. A-ha once famously sang “Take On Me” and a banana didn’t. Well, I don’t think so.

The sun doesn’t always shine on bananas but according to A-ha the sun always shines on TV.

The lead singer of Banana couldn’t eat an apple through a tennis racquet.

I don’t know but I would like to ban A-ha.

How should I know? I’m Welsh.

__________________________________________________________________________

What’s the difference between Oscar Pistorius & Hay Fever?

 One is the blade runner the other is a nose runner

Said with a shrug and hands held out with palms facing up)  “It’s all about how they respond to Poll’n the trigger”

The last time I got shot at whilst I had hayfever, I was shagging Farmer Brown’s daughter down in 20 acre paddock!

With hay fever you want to go to the bathroom and blow your nose, whereas with Oscar Pistorius you’ll want to avoid the bathroom completely

One sounds like a prize for being drunk

One stops the shitty snivels and the other is a SNIVELLING SHIT!!

I don’t know. You might want to ask Oscar Pistorius for a ‘shot in the dark’ answer.

I can spell Hay Fever

The last time I sneezed in a field it wasn’t because I’d been shot four times through a toilet door.

I don’t fucking know – I live in a cave.